“But what will people think?”

It’s the age-old question.

But why do we care so much about what people really think of us, and what are the impacts of this obsession?

Evolution can explain the beginnings of our relationship with the need to be accepted. Back when we relied on the clan or the tribe for our survival, rejection from this group could quite literally mean certain death. Without the safety of our village, we would be defenseless against the elements and predators and would likely starve to death. Social rejection is processed in our brains similar to that of physical pain so it’s not surprising that we avoid it at all costs.

But in today’s modern world of warm, safe buildings, Uber eats and limited predators bar the scam texters and payday loan companies, this fear we have no longer serves the same purpose it was intended for.

Why it matters

Caring for what others think isn’t a completely futile pursuit as yes, it’s ensured our survival thus far but it’s also served a purpose as far as the law in concerned, very few people would argue the world would be a better place without law and order. And then we have all the nuances of our society that are maintained because of no other reason than we want others to think well of us; holding eye contact with the person who is talking to us, not picking your nose in a restaurant, respecting personal space and having to stay still and smile dimly while cornered by the most boring person on the face on the earth instead of simply walking away to freedom.

But whilst our need to be viewed well by others does come with many benefits, our increasing preoccupation with what others think can push us down paths we know we shouldn’t be on, keep us in relationships we shouldn’t be in, push us to the edge of our tolerance and just generally ruin our lives.

We’ve all been in a situation where we wanted to do or say something, something we knew was the right thing for us but our fear of judgement or rejection overpowered us. So consequently, we did nothing.

While the tendency to censor ourselves for other people may be natural to some extent, for some people this fear can become so great that blind compliance becomes the only approach they can tolerate and this is where an individual's wellbeing and basic competencies can be affected. And we are all aware of the more extreme examples of compliance caused by fear of what others might think, when the pack mentally kicks in and terrible, illegal, irreversible damage is done.

If you’re someone who finds yourself constantly weighing up whether you should speak or not, critiquing everything you want to say before you say it, or on the drive home from work you berate yourself for all the things you did and didn’t say that day. Not only are you probably perpetually exhausted by the constant second guessing but you may just be someone who is overly concerned and profoundly influenced by other people’s opinions.

How to break the habit

Remind yourself that no one actually cares

This little tidbit came from my mother as a teen and to this day is one piece of advice I return to over and over. I used to be cripplingly insecure for fear of what others would think of my lanky body and frizzy hair until one day my mother kindly but firmly stated, ‘Darling, no one cares, I promise you’.

And this is the truest thing I have ever heard. For us to think that others are so interested in what we are doing, saying and wearing is a little unrealistic. Everyone is so wrapped up with their own complex issues and fretting over the stupid thing they said earlier that they simply don’t have the energy or inclination to fret over what you did. So next time you find yourself worrying about that stupid thing you did, remind yourself that literally, no one cares.

Stop judging others

How we judge others is often more of a reflection of ourselves than a true observation of the other person. By learning to stop placing judgement on other people and situations we come to the realisation that perhaps other people are not in fact judging us either.

So instead of attached emotion to a situation, try to simply notice it, ‘the weather is terrible’ to ‘huh it’s raining’ and ‘I hate my boss, he’s such a d*ck’, to ‘that interaction wasn’t very helpful, maybe I can get support elsewhere’. This one won’t be perfect all the time, especially if your boss is a d*ck but even by toning down the judgement we can learn that the world isn’t as critical and judgmental as we might think it is.

Face the fear

This is a personal favourite of mine. Most of the fears we have are totally illogical and don’t serve to keep us safe but do in fact keep us small and frustrated.

If we were to say or do what we really wanted, what would happen? To quote the wonderful Dolly Parton when she was talking about her rise to fame, ‘What were they going to do, kill me? And then what, cook me and eat me?’. Now arguably this would be the absolute worst outcome. But if we chose to keep this outcome on the scale at the far end of the worst response you could get, isn’t anything slightly better than that a win?

So start testing small actions that align with your values and see what happens. It will be scary to start with and you may face some criticism or rejection but know that if you stay true to yourself for long enough, the right people will start to show up, the people who are right for the real you. And isn’t that so much better than being on the wrong path with the wrong people?

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